Infatuation
by MegTDJ
Summary: Picking up the pieces after Ke'ra's visit. 19 in the Love Comes Softly series.


Title: Infatuation  
Author: MegTDJ  
Category: Missing scene; drama  
Rating: K+  
Pairing: Daniel/Janet pre-ship, mention of Daniel/Ke'ra and Daniel/Sha're.  
Spoilers: Past and Present  
Summary: Picking up the pieces after Ke'ra's visit. #19 in the Love Comes Softly series.  
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1, its universe and its characters are not mine. The story itself is, however, so please don't archive without my permission.

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**Infatuation**

Janet couldn't help but feel relieved to see Ke'ra go. Something about the woman hadn't sat right with Janet since the moment she'd laid eyes on her. She tried to convince herself that it was just a gut feeling about the evil lurking deep inside her, but part of her knew that wasn't the case. There was just something about her that rubbed Janet the wrong way.

The fact that Daniel had practically been attached to her at the hip certainly hadn't helped.

But now she was gone. Janet breathed a sigh of relief as the gate shut down and business at Stargate Command returned to normal. They'd fixed their mistakes and sent help to an entire planet full of people. Now they could put it all behind them and move on.

Then again, maybe not. She turned to look at Daniel, and her heart sank when she saw that he was already halfway out of the gateroom. His posture was just as stiff and guarded as ever, and he seemed to be lost in a world of his own. The same world he'd been lost in ever since Sha're had been killed.

She sighed again, this time in disappointment, and followed the rest of the group out of the gateroom. By the time she stepped through the door into the hallway, Daniel had already disappeared.

As she made her way to the infirmary, she couldn't stop thinking about how close she and Daniel used to be, and how that friendship had seemed to vanish the moment Daniel had stepped through the gate with Ke'ra. Even in the first few days after Sha're's death, Daniel had seemed distant but not completely dismissive of her and of his teammates. Something about that woman had captivated him, leaving him so infatuated with her that nothing else had seemed to matter. When Janet had tried to approach him about it shortly after learning that Ke'ra was in fact Linea, he'd snapped at her to mind her own business. From what she'd heard, Colonel O'Neill hadn't fared much better.

If only they could all take the dargol and start from scratch with each other. Too bad life could never be that simple.

Once she reached her office, she sat down to do some of the paperwork that had been neglected over the past couple of days. Half an hour later, she was still working on the same file she'd picked up moments after entering the room.

"This is useless," she muttered, putting the file away and rubbing her face with her hands. She hadn't slept in more than 24 hours, and she couldn't even remember the last time she'd eaten. If it were anyone else, she would tell them to eat something and go to bed, not sit at their desk staring blankly at paperwork. She shook her head, stood up, and left her office, heading for the commissary.

Somehow she knew what she would find there. Or rather _who_ she would find there. At the very least, she felt no surprise when she saw Daniel sitting at a table alone, poking a mound of meatloaf with his fork.

She quickly grabbed some food and walked over to Daniel's table. "Hey," she said as she came to stand beside him.

Daniel glanced up at her for a second, but then returned his attention to his plate. "Hey."

"May I join you?"

Daniel shrugged. "Sure."

Janet didn't wait for a more sincere invitation, because she knew she wouldn't get one. She sat down across the table from him, and took a bite of her salad as though nothing was wrong.

But something _was_ wrong. Daniel was still staring at his food like she wasn't even there. That just wasn't like him.

"Are you okay?" she asked after a few moments of silence.

"I'm fine," Daniel replied, taking a mouthful of meatloaf as if to prove it.

"Come on, Daniel," Janet said gently. "I know you better than that. Ever since... Ke'ra... you've been even more closed off than ever. I can tell that something's bothering you."

Daniel took another mouthful of his food without saying a word.

Janet sighed. "I believe you did the right thing, you know. Encouraging Ke'ra to forget. As much as I hated the hold she seemed to have on you, she seemed genuine in her desire to help. She didn't deserve to die for..."

"Can we not talk about this?" Daniel interrupted impatiently.

"I think you _need_ to talk about it, Daniel," Janet said. "If you don't let it out, it'll eat you alive."

"Well, that's my business," he muttered.

Janet felt stung, remembering the last conversation they'd had. "That's what you said about your relationship with Ke'ra," she said.

"Because that was my business, too," Daniel said, rising from the table and heading for the door.

"Daniel?" Janet called after him.

Daniel stopped a few feet away from her, but didn't turn around.

"Why are you pushing your friends away when all we want to do is help?" Janet asked, unable to keep her voice from wavering with emotion.

Daniel turned his head slightly to glance at her, and Janet was sure she saw his shoulders sag just a bit before he shook his head and left the commissary.

Janet looked down at the food on her plate and pushed it wearily away. She'd suddenly lost her appetite.

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It was just after noon when Janet got home, but she went straight to bed anyway and slept for six hours straight. By the time she got up, Cassie had already made herself supper and was watching TV. It was the first time she'd really seen her daughter in days, so they were both glad to spend a couple of hours relaxing together before it was time for Cassie to go to bed. For a little while, Janet was able to forget about everything that had happened recently and just enjoy her daughter's company.

Soon after Cassie had retired for the night, however, it all came flooding back and left Janet feeling somewhat depressed. For a little while, she allowed herself to wallow in self-pity over the situation with Daniel, curling up on the couch with a bowl of ice cream and a good movie.

After all, she couldn't deny that part of her had been drawn to him all this time as potentially more than a friend and colleague, and she'd managed to keep her feelings bottled up and out of mind for the simple reason that he was married. She'd respected his space when he'd pushed her away after Sha're's death, knowing that in time he would come around and their friendship would return to normal, and perhaps even blossom into something more in the months and years to come.

And then Ke'ra had come along. Suddenly Daniel seemed to forget about his dead wife as well as his close friends, and Ke'ra was all he could see. Not only did it not make any sense to her, but it also hurt. It hurt a lot.

"Just for tonight," Janet told herself firmly as another wave of self-pity washed over her. "Tomorrow you'll wake up and remember that he's your patient, your friend, and his love life is none of your business. Besides, your life is just fine the way it is. Why wish for it to be any different?"

With that thought in mind, she settled back on the couch and began to doze.

Moments later, she was jerked awake by a sudden knock at the door. Leroy, who was snuggled up on the couch beside her, sat up and let out a surprised bark. Janet almost felt like joining him when she glanced at the clock. "Eleven o'clock at night?" she muttered as she got up from the couch and started for the door. "Who knocks on someone's door at this hour?"

She peeked out of the window by the door before opening it, and was even more puzzled to see that it was Daniel standing there. She quickly unlocked and opened the door, running a hand through her hair and giving her t-shirt a sharp tug as she did so. "Daniel," she said. "What are you doing here?"

"Sorry, I um... I was just passing by, and I saw your light on," he said, thrusting his hands in his pockets and shuffling his feet sheepishly.

Janet glanced past him to the driveway, but couldn't see his car. "You were just passing?" she said. "Where's your car?"

Daniel shrugged, and his lips twitched in what might have been a grimace or a smile. "I walked."

Janet's jaw dropped in surprise before she managed to find her manners and opened the door wider. "Come in," she said, stepping back for him to walk past her.

Daniel obediently entered the house, and walked straight through to the living room. Janet didn't fail to notice the faint smell of alcohol that followed in his wake.

"Have you been drinking?" she asked as she closed the door and hurried after him.

Daniel took one hand out of his pocket to make a pinching motion with his thumb and forefinger. "Just a little," he said. "Don't worry, I'm not drunk."

Janet nodded, though she wasn't so sure. "Can I get you some coffee?" she asked, hoping he would say yes.

"Sure, thanks."

Janet smiled and motioned for him to sit down before heading to the kitchen to fetch it. Thankfully, there was still some left in the coffee maker, so she quickly poured it into a mug and took it through to Daniel, who was sitting on the couch stroking Leroy. "Here you are," she said as she handed it to him.

"Thanks." He took a tentative sip, made a face, and set it down on the coffee table. "Black. I must seem drunker than I am."

Janet decided it would be safer not to respond to that statement, so she asked again, "What are you doing here, Daniel?"

Daniel cleared his throat and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "I... came to apologize," he said. "I've snapped at you a lot over the last few days, and... I'm sorry."

Janet sat down on the edge of the coffee table to face him. "You've snapped at a lot of people over the last few days, Daniel. Why did you come here?"

He nodded and clasped his hands together nervously. "You live closer than anyone else," he said with a half-hearted laugh.

"True." Janet smiled, somehow relieved that the reason for his visit was no more complicated than that. "Apology accepted."

Daniel nodded and forced a smile, but it soon faded. "You, um... you said I should talk about it," he said. "You're probably right. I should talk about it, but... I can't."

Janet was overcome with sympathy when she saw the pained look on his face. She laid her hand on his knee and gave him an encouraging look. "Why not?"

Daniel laughed bitterly and shook his head. "Because I'm afraid you'll tell me I'm screwed up."

"Does that really sound like something I'd say?"

Daniel met her eyes for a few moments, seeming to search her for the answers to whatever questions were going through his mind. "No," he finally said, visibly relaxing for the first time in weeks. "I guess not."

Janet smiled. "So talk to me," she said. "I'm listening."

Daniel's eyes filled with tears, and he quickly looked away and cleared his throat in an attempt to control his emotions. "It's been less than a month since Sha're... since she died," he said through gritted teeth. "And you know what's weird? A couple weeks ago, it finally hit me... and I felt relieved." He looked at Janet with such pain in his eyes that she could hardly stand it. He shook his head in disgust. "How could I feel that way?" he said bitterly.

Janet gave his knee a gentle squeeze. "You've known for years that she was suffering," she said. "Now she's at peace. It makes sense that you would feel relief for her sake, and maybe, in some small way, for yourself as well."

Daniel seemed to ponder that for a long moment. "Since then I've just felt angry," he said, almost as if to himself. "Angry with myself, angry with Apophis, angry with... everyone. Then I met Ke'ra, and... I don't know... there was something about her that I envied. Her composure in the face of such devastation... it was incredible. And she seemed interested in me. For the first time in years, a woman was interested in me and there was nothing stopping me from making it mutual. That made her all the more appealing, you know?"

He looked at Janet as if expecting some kind of reaction, so Janet gave him a small smile and nodded for him to go on, even though his words were driving the knife even deeper.

"Sha're hasn't just been gone for a month," he said sorrowfully. "She's been lost to me since the day Apophis took her from Abydos. I just wanted to feel something for someone again, even if it was only superficial. God, I just wanted to _feel_ something!" His face crumpled as though he was going to cry then, but Janet didn't see any tears falling. He covered his face with his hands and sat for a minute in silence, taking deep breaths and giving the occasional shudder as he tried to regain control.

Finally, he dropped his hands and looked at Janet again. "I made a huge mistake," he said, his voice sounding hollow and hoarse. "And I hate myself for it."

"Daniel..."

He raised his hand to stop her from saying any more. "No, it's okay," he said. "It's actually a good thing that I got it out of the way when I did. Now it'll be easier for me to resolve never to get involved with another woman." He shook his head firmly. "Never again."

Janet wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at this announcement, but it was a moot point anyway - her entire being froze, and she felt numb from head to toe for what seemed like forever. It couldn't have lasted for more than a few seconds, however, as Daniel hadn't seemed to notice anything by the time Janet gave herself a firm mental shake and snapped out of it. "I... don't think you should be making any kind of rash decisions right now, Daniel," she said, standing up and quickly turning away to fetch an afghan from the back of a chair. "Once you've had a good night's sleep you'll be able to think about things more clearly. I'll make you a bed here on the couch."

She wasn't sure what more was said between them that night. Before she knew it, she was lying in bed trying not to cry as she replayed his sorrowful words in her head.

Still, what business was it of hers if he vowed to never get involved with another woman? It was obvious that this didn't include friendships, so what had changed? Nothing. And that was as it should be.

"Once I've had a good night's sleep," she told herself, "I'll be able to think about things more clearly." Maybe then things could return to normal.

The End


End file.
